Good guilt vs. bad guilt
Fear is useless: "Do not be afraid; just have faith" (Mk 5:36).
"Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more" (Rom 5:20).
"Jesus, I trust in You" (St. Faustina).
"Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything" (Servant of God Don Dolindo Ruotolo).
| Good guilt | Bad guilt |
|---|---|
| Objective
"Just a description, not an indictment" (Al-Anon ACOA). |
Subjective
"Too painful to think about." |
| Cleanses | Shames |
| Sets us free | Motivates bad behavior |
| Intensifies gratitude | Obscures God's goodness |
| Motivates change | Paralyzes |
| Centered on God and neighbor | Self-centered |
| Sees through the eyes of the other | Sees only what hurts the self |
| Optimistic: diagnosis and prescription | Despairing: no way out |
| Clarifies what is wrong with us | Condemns us |
| Gives us choices | Paralyzes us |
| Proportionate to wrongdoing (rational) | Disproportionate — "scruples" (irrational) |
| A gift of the Holy Spirit | A work of the "angel of light" |
| Passes away | Will not depart |
| Accepts consequences | Dreads punishment |
The enemy "masquerades as an angel of light" (2 Cor 11:14). The "angel of light" quotes scripture against us to make us feel condemned, worthless, unloved, and no good. Perfectionism inspired by the "angel of light" leads us away from God rather than toward Him.
If we recognize that we are being troubled by "bad guilt," the remedy is to act against (Latin: agere contra) those feelings by making acts of faith, hope, and love.
Mortal vs. venial sin
There are three conditions for a mortal sin:
- It must be an objectively grave matter.
- We must understand that it is objectively wrong.
- We must give full consent of our will to the sin in spite of the testimony of our conscience against doing so.
We cannot commit a mortal sin by accident.
Errors in understanding mortal sins
We may inadvertently promote things that are not grave sins into the category of grave sins, or vice versa.
Some people may think that they have a grave obligation to stop other people from sinning and that if they do not actively condemn the actions of their neighbor, they themselves become guilty of their neighbor's wrongdoing. In the vast majority of cases, they are wrong about this. It's different for a parent and child or for a married couple; most cases like this that I encounter are not of that type. We do not have the same moral responsibility to stop sin in others that we do have in our own lives.
Some people treat our Sunday obligation as an absolute, and therefore feel guilty about missing Mass when they are sick, when they are caring for the sick, when they are traveling, when weather prevents them from attending safely, or when they are obliged to work during Mass times. They do not understand that there is no sin when there are good reasons to miss Mass.
Should we confess past sins?
We should most definitely not doubt the perfection of Jesus' mercy for all of our sins every time we go to Confession. Even if we don't say the exact words, in the Act of Contrition we express sorrow for all of our past sins; all are confessed in principle and all are forgiven in fact. The fact that we may feel much guilt and shame over our past behavior is NOT an indication that we are unforgiven; it is a sign of our fallen human nature and an opportunity to preach the gospel to ourselves anew. When we feel that way, we should make many acts of faith, hope, and love. Jesus came to save sinners and to heal the sick. We are fully qualified for His mercy and love.
Our feelings are unreliable guides to spiritual realities because of our fallen human nature, which continues to affect us even though we are "born again" in Baptism.
Perfectionism breeds depression. Faith, hope, and love bear good fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Temptations are not sins
St. Padre Pio reminds us that sins are in the will, not in the passions:
- "Stop entertaining those vain fears. Remember it is not feeling which constitutes guilt but the consent to such feelings. Only the free will is capable of good or evil. But when the will sighs under the trial of the tempter and does not will what is presented to it, there is not only no fault but there is virtue." [1]
In and of themselves feelings are raw material for making decisions.
- We are not good people when we have good feelings.
- We are not bad people when we have bad feelings.
It is very wrong to think, "If God loved me — or if I loved God — then I would never be tempted by feelings like this (pride, lust, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, etc.). Good people feel good all the time. Since I don't feel good, I must not be good."
Shame is meant to safeguard intimacy
- Youcat (464)
- What good is shame?
- Shame safeguards a person's intimate space: his mystery, his most personal and inmost being, his dignity, but especially his capacity for love and sexual self-giving. It relates also to that which only love may see. Many young Christians live in an environment where it is taken for granted that everything should be on display and people are systematically trained to ignore feelings of shame. But shamelessness is inhuman. Animals experience no shame. In a human being, in contrast, it is an essential feature. It does not hide something inferior but rather protects something valuable, namely, the dignity of the person in his capacity to love. The feeling of shame is found in all cultures, although it assumes different forms. It has nothing to do with prudery or a repressive upbringing. A person is also ashamed of his sins and other things that would demean him if they were made generally known. Someone who offends another person's natural feeling of shame by words, glances, gestures, or actions robs him of his dignity.
Toxic shame is like mold
It grows in the dark and dies in the light.
Shaming ourselves can be a survival strategy that now is killing us. We can use self-shaming to try to control our behavior and to demonstrate to others around us that we want to comply with their expectations.
Such defense mechanisms may help us over the short run, but they leave us crippled in the long run.
This kind of shame is an enemy, not a friend.
It can lead us to wallow in guilt instead of taking healthy actions and adopting healthy attitudes that will set us free from "the bondage of the past" (AA Big Book, third-step prayer):
- O God, I offer you my self, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your well. Take away my difficulties that victory over these difficulties may help me bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and your way of life."
Sirach 41:14-22 — 42:1-8
| 14a |
My children, listen to instruction about shame; |
| 16a |
judge of disgrace according to my rules, |
| 16b |
Not every kind of shame is shameful, |
| 17 |
Before father and mother be ashamed of immorality, |
| 18 |
Before master and mistress, of deceit; |
| 19 |
and in the place where you settle, of theft. |
| 21 |
of rebuffing your own relatives; |
| 20a |
of failing to return a greeting; |
| 21c |
Of gazing at a man's wife, |
| 20b |
of entertaining thoughts about another woman; |
| 22 |
Of trifling with a servant girl you have, |
| 1 |
Of repeating what you hear, |
| 2 |
Of the Law of the Most High and his precepts, |
| 3 |
Of sharing the expenses of a business or a journey, |
| 4 |
Of accuracy of scales and balances, |
| 5 |
of bargaining in dealing with a merchant; |
| 6 |
Of a seal to keep a foolish wife at home, |
| 7 |
Of numbering every deposit, |
| 8 |
Of chastisement for the silly and the foolish, |